Tales from The Outpost

The Little Library of Guildmate Adventures (1997-2000)

Portrait of an Orc

by Gor'bladz

Brentwood the Painter carefully set his easel in place. He had waited a long time hidden in a clomp of trees waiting for a grizzly bear to show up at the stream he was observing, and he had to be careful not to scare it away. And he had to be careful to avoid being the bear's lunch. For now, though, the bear was quite content to munch on fish.

Brentwood wasn't very happy. "Gads! Painting commission work like this is demeaning." Brentwood was working on a portrait for some minor but wealthy paladin from Trinsic. He had already completed the portion of the portrait showing the knight at full gallop riding a fine white warhorse. Now he was putting the finishing touches on the knights quarry, a fearsome grizzly bear. Brentwood could certainly have painted the bear from memory, but he was far too much of a professional for that. In order to get just the right colors and contours, a great artist needs to paint from real life. And Brentwood was more than a great artist. He was a master.

"So why am I sweating away in this god forsaken wilderness painting bears?" he though. "This is so beneath one of my talent. One of these days people will recognize me for the genius that I am! Then I'll purchase a studio and never have to leave the city. I'll do portraits of royalty! I'll be rich like I deserve!"

A crashing sound interrupted Brentwood's daydreams. "HOOWAH!" A huge orc suddenly burst from the trees on the far side of the clearing giving voice to a thunderous warcry. "HOOWAH! Dis orc clomp fuud!" The orc made straight for the grizzly and the two huge creatures began to do battle.

As soon as he recovered from the shock, Brentwood's first thought was to grab his painting and slip quietly away as the bear and orc fought. But as he reached for the painting, he paused. He compared the bear in the painting with the scene of the huge orc battling in the clearing. The bulging green muscles pressed against the black leather and metal armor. The metal mace gleaming in the sun as it rose and crashed into the red streaked brown fur of the grizzly. Brentwood began painting again. "Here will be my masterpiece! Here is a subject worthy of a knight's quest! I'll replace the bear in the picture with this orc!"

Brentwood painted furiously. The battle seemed to go on endlessly, but all too soon there was a sickening crunch as the mace smashed the skull of the grizzly. "HOOWAH! Now dis orc kan eet!" The orc pulled out a knife and began skinning and cooking the bear. All the while, Brentwood painted on unseen.

Just as he was finishing and his thoughts were once again turning to escape, Brentwood looked up to see the orc staring at him. "Bah! Wud lat duin in dose wuuds, humie? Lat spy on Gor'bladz? Grrrrrr…" Brentwood was horrified to see the orc lumber across the clearing in his direction.

"N-No, fair orc! I dost not spy on thee! I am but a simple painter, here to do a portrait!" The orc was right in front of him now, and Brentwood didn't know what to do.

"Pane tur? Hmmmmm…. Wud iz a pane tur?" Having just eaten, the orc appeared to not be as hostile as it first appeared. Brentwood's mind finally started to work again. He knew orcs were not known for their intelligence. If he kept talking, maybe he could confuse it and get away.

"Um, a painter. Yes. What is a painter? I, um, use paints and brushes to make pictures of people on canvas."

"Why lat du dat?"

"Well, I paint pictures of great people, in order to honor them. In fact, I just finished painting a picture of you, Great Orc. It is a great honor! Soon many people will see this picture and be impressed with your fearsome countenance and superb stature!" The orc seemed to like this answer. He lowered his mace and began to grin. Brentwood began to think he might actually survive this encounter.

"Lat make pichur ob Gor'bladz? HAR HAR! Datz guud! Me bet it guud pichur! Show tu Gor'bladz!" The orc reached over and grabbed the easel and turned the picture around so he could see it.

"No no! Wait! Um, it's not quite complete yet!" Too late. As the orc looked at the picture of the great silver knight driving his long lance into the chest of the orc, his face grew very dark.

"WUD?!? Lat make fun ob Gor'bladz! Toopid shinie humies can nub clomp dis orc! Grrrrrr. Lat is nub guud pane tur! Lat nub make guud pichur! Now dis orc clomp lat!" He orc threw down the picture and came at Brentwood with mace raised.

"Wait! No! There's been a mistake!" Brentwood began to back up, and in his haste he fell backwards over his stool, landing flat on his large spare canvas. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

When it was all over, Gor'bladz stood back and looked over his handiwork. "Hmmmm. Mebee dis orc wuz wrong. Dat humie duz make a guud pichur. HAR HAR HAR!" And with that, Gor'bladz walked off into the woods.